shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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