please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
