3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
