I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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