This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
