JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
