Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
