When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
