i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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