Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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