I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
