I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize