You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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