I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
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8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
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I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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