Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
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Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
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Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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