Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
