Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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