she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
