My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Randomize