have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
