also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
