Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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