Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
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I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
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Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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