i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
