I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
