I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
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he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
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Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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