I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
