Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may now shotgun with the bride
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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