god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
i out mim tonsoeep
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
