I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
