Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
