omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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