i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
