Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
