i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
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I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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