I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I didn't notice because vodka
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.