How drunk are you??
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches