I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
