Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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