My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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