I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
