That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
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Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Is it penis luge time yet?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
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i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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