Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
