when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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