he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
