Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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