Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Farmville is her only friend.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
