If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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