We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
