I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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