how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
