when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
