bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
