First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
