She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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