There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
