Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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