cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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