I wish my penis had an off switch
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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